On miscarriage…

Ohhh friends… where do I even begin?! I wish that I had been able to keep up this little space over the last several months because there is so much I want to document and remember, but truthfully it has been pushed way, waaaay to the back.  Now it is time though so lets go backwards…

Back in December 2016 Clint and I decided that it was finally “time” to start trying to expand our family again.  He had been ready for another bambino for awhile but I knew the time wasn’t quite right for us until after one of my best friends weddings in the beginning of December.  We had a crazy busy and amazing 2016 with lots of weddings and travel and I knew being pregnant wasn’t the best thing for me or the family quite yet.  So, after the wedding and travel season wrapped up we started trying and praying for Baby Gallagher #4.

On Clint’s 32nd birthday (December 27th) I rushed the kids to CVS right when they opened at 8am to grab pregnancy tests, and much to my surprise and excitement it was positive! (I swear the CVS employee must have thought I was a nut job bringing my 3 small children to CVS in their jammies to buy a pregnancy test).  I was so excited to give Clint this present for his birthday and was just in complete shock that we were fortunate enough to get pregnant the first month.  Unfortunately, just a few weeks later I miscarried that sweet babe.  That was definitely an experience that rocked my world.  I always thought in the back of my head that I would miscarry at some point, but I would have never ever been able to guess how much this experience would affect me.  I was completely torn up inside, and at the same time felt so grateful and selfish because I already have 3 sweet babies.

For weeks I kept feeling like I had done something wrong, or that it was somehow my fault that I had miscarried… maybe we shouldn’t have waited so long to try for another baby?  Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that workout class? Did I overdo it and somehow cause my body to miscarry?  Did I tell too many people too early?  Eventually, through lots and lots and LOTS of great talks with close family and friends I was able to recognize and accept that this was just a part of God’s plan.  Although I was able to accept the miscarriage, it is definitely not something I will ever forget.

After the miscarriage my anxiety was through the roof about trying again for another baby.  Am I forcing something that is not supposed to happen?  Is God trying to tell me that we are only supposed to have 3 babies?  Will my body be able to carry another pregnancy to term?? All of these questions completely consumed my every thought and it quite honestly started to drive me a little crazy.  Thats when we decided we needed to get out of town and we took our little trip to Disney the beginning of March.  Little did I know that just a few weeks later I would, with an extremely grateful heart, take another positive pregnancy test 😉

One of the biggest things that I learned through the entire miscarriage process is how much it helped me to talk about it.  I hated thinking that no one knew what was going on with me.  I feel like there is a stigma around miscarriages, and for some reason they aren’t talked about as much as I wish they were!  I remember feeling like I was walking around carrying this enormous secret inside of me that I couldn’t or shouldn’t share with the world.  I wanted to scream from every street corner “I was pregnant!! and now I’m not! and I’m really really sad about it and thats ok!”

Maybe this is just how I felt about it, but because I felt this way I’ve had this burning desire to share about my miscarriage.  I think it is such a common thing and I want anyone who has experienced it, or is going through it right now to know that it is OK to talk about it.  It is actually great to talk about it in my opinion!  I don’t think I would have been able to accept it nearly as easily/quickly if I hadn’t had tons of conversations about my feelings and how sad I was.  So please if you need someone to talk to about a miscarriage- reach out!  Someone around you has experienced this before and I’m they sure would be open to talking to you about it.

 

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