We went for our ultrasound this morning at 11AM. I haven’t felt that anxious or sick for a long time… the uncertainty kills me. That’s part of my type A personality and something I’m working on… I’m not always in control and God is constantly reminding me of that.
Everything looked OK from what I can tell/what we were told. They didn’t see any additional soft markers, but the EIF is still present and there were a couple of things they couldn’t visualize. We will go back for another ultrasound and ECHO in 4-6 weeks (when they can get it scheduled). This is completely unrelated to the EIF but because of Shae’s history of VSD (ventricular septal defect). So while I do feel a little more at ease for now, I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed.
I had a lot of those thoughts the past few days… I am not guaranteed a healthy or typical baby, but I’m also not guaranteed my own health or the health of my other kids for tomorrow. Life is scary and unpredictable and at any time I can be thrown a curve ball and knocked off the path that I thought my life was on. This is where my anxiety sets in and I need to continue to work on this daily. Typically I just try not to think about “what ifs”, but sometimes I think it’s necessary to challenge myself to be ok with “what ifs”.
One of the biggest things this soft marker has reminded me is that even if things don’t go how I planned doesn’t mean they aren’t going how God planned. And really life isn’t about my plan after all. So for now I’ll keep praying that God gives me the strength and grace I need to deal with all of life’s curveballs and what ifs.